dannimelanson

Well I am not going to whine about being a failure.  I am just posting to say I am back after a few months hiatus and I am going to give it another go.  I hope to eat less and move more and lose some unwanted poundage.   I sure have enough to spare.hehehe  I enjoy reading everyone post and I am feeling positive.  Now just to find a way to keep that positive feeling:)  

Well I have a story to share with you all that most may be able to relate to.  I was never fat maybe a bit plump but never this.   This is just too hard to accept but what choice do I have at the moment? I am now 200 pounds. I swore I would never buy “fat” clothes.  So for 2 years now I have been wearing baggy t-shirts and gym pants type of clothing.  I haven’t felt good about myself in a long time.  I don’t wear make-up anymore of even try to look nice.  I figured why bother………Anyway my man being the wonderful guy he is finally convinced me to go buy some dreaded “fat clothes”.  He said the weight is what it is at the moment and I should buy some nice stuff to try and build my self confidence while trying to lose the weight.  I thought this over and finally gave in thinking I could use them one day if I ever got pregnant.  hehehe (that’s the only way I would buy them)

Anyway I go to the store and pick out a pair of pants.  I bring a few sizes back to the changing room.  No one is guarding the changing area so I go on into one of the stalls.  I try on the pants and realize I am a size 18.  I feel dizzy, disgusted, upset, confused but pull myself together and take the pants off and proceed to leave the changing room.  I feel a breeze and look down…………I actually had forgot to put on my own pants back on.  I look around stunned and realize I wasn’t even in the womens changing room I was in the mens. I run back to the changing room and put my pants on and leave that area in a rush……..lmao   Only I could make a big thing out of trying clothes on.   I ended up buying 7 really nice shirts and 4 pairs of capris so all in all it was a good day and like I said b4  once I lose the weight I could always use the clothes  again if I ever got pregnant:)  I am going to try and care about my appearance and again.  I will win this war of the bulge and that is a fact.

I fell off the wagon  AGAIN and I hit the ground hard.  I really don’t understand why I keep doing this to myself over and over again.  I mean I can’t stand the way I feel or look so why do I continue on going further an further in the wrong direction.  It really breaks my heart to feel so out of control.  I feel so sad right now.  I guess the only thing I can do is try again and hope for the best.  Maybe this time will the the one.

I think my biggest problem is that I think way too much and that I don’t take it one day at a time.  I need to focus on today and not about 6 months from now.   

My whole life I have been a victim of the worse kind of temptation.  When others could pass up the extra piece of cake, I had to eat the whole thing.  At Easter I would eat all my chocolate then proceed to eat my sisters.  You get the sad picture.  It is by far the biggest factor on whether I am  going to win this war of the bulge or not.  It is such a vicious mind game that I am so sick of playing.  It always ends in regret and self hatred.  It has always been that evil little voice in my head that I have come to realize will never stop whispering or yelling my name.  It will always be a pain in my huge butt.  I have come to realize though that the smaller the butt the smaller the temptaion will be or at least that’s what I want to believe.  I need to believe that once I get to my ideal weight that the temptation won’t be as fierce anymore.  I am not stupid I know it will always be there but I will be much more aware.  The consequences will be much bigger.  I will not want to ruin all the hard work I have fought for.  It will come with retraining the mind into blocking out that pesky little voice.  I am up for the challenge.  I feel so hopeful.  Thanks for listening to my rantings:)

I read this somewhere last week and it has stuck with me because it rang so true to me personally and I am sure it will to all of you too…..”Be Miserable Or Motivate Yourself, It’s Always Your Choice”.  I finally chose not to be miserable.  I finally chose to motivate myself and as many of you as I can.  I have said before that I only found this site a few days ago and I feel so supported and I know you all can relate to my feelings like when I say I feel uncomfortable in my own skin most of you understand exactly what I mean.  I am done being miserable and can’t wait till I see the numbers going down on my scale!!!   You are all wonderful.  Stay Strong and Move forward, no more standing still or looking back:)

So this is day 1 of my new life.  Where have you heard that b4??  lol 

 Anyway I went for a walk in the park.  It’s a nature park in the middle of the city with a walking trail filled with dips and hills.  It’s actually really cool and I am lucky to have it located only 5 minutes away.  So as I entered the park my mind started playing tricks on me. It was trying to drag me down.  It was throwing out all kinds of excuses of why I should just turn around and go back home.  It was saying things like I am tired and my feet and legs hurt and what if I pass out from exertion and what if I need the bathroom once I am deep in the park or what if I get kidnapped (as if)  hehehehe  Anyway long story short it was difficult and a few times I thought I might drop dead of fatness but I pressed on and finished the whole trail without stopping once. It was a little over a hour of walking.  The fresh air was nice and I plan to do it again tomorrow no matter what my mind has to say.  Maybe oneday the seniors won’t be passing me on the trail:)  I have to see the humor in it all but at least I did it and didn’t give in and go home right?

Well I was up and just searching for weight loss support sites and found this one.  I feel so excited to have found it!  yay it’s filled with people like me not that I am happy that you are all struggling with your weight but I have to say I am happy that I am not alone in this fight.  I hate that I let my get to this point.  I now weigh 209 pounds when 2 years ago at this time I weighed 135 pounds.  I feel depressed, lost, ashamed, embarassed.  I imagine all emotions that all of us feel on here.  It’s hard being overweight emotionally and physically but I did this to myself and I will fix it with the support of all of you and lots of will power:)   At this point in my life I find it hard to use stairs and even getting in and out of the tub can be challenging.  I feel like an alien in my own body.  I do not recognize the woman in the mirror.  Every joint and muscle hurts and I wake up everyday exhausted. I don’t want to be too imformative but even shaving my legs and painting my toenails is difficult.

I am done feeling like this and just need the patience to start seeing results.  Please add me to your buddies list.  I need all the help I can get and I will do my best to root you on too:)  We can do this by eating less and moving more……